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Questions with self…

Our lives are busy, and I guess they always will be as the only thing constant is change – change will bring about new additions, aspects, perspectives, just life… I often ask myself – can I do more? am I enough – enough as a mother, as a wife, as a professional, as a woman, as a daughter, a friend, as so many more things… many a times the answer is no! I wonder is this me or my inadequacies, or simply my zeal to be the best at whatever I am doing? Many questions, no answers as I know deep down inside me I believe I do my best but is probably never enough… this never enough is sometimes a propeller for me to do more. What I need to do to not try and kill myself in the bargain (not literally!) is to find that balance between my expectations of myself vs. others expectations of my, as I know I expect more from myself than others off me. That balance or voice in me has to keep telling me to slow down, not assume, ask, clarify, reserve for self and then move ahead.

I am blessed with a life I love, with people who adore me, protect me, care unconditionally – many don’t have what I have. Hanu often tells me to just be. I am learning to just be…

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Am I paranoid!

Of course I am and I will tell myself why! My little genius’ teacher some days back told me that he does’t really mingle too much. Now that is a contrast to the constant hugging, saying “hi”, giving hi 5 to any and everyone. So I came home, discussed this to death, thought what am I doing wrong…. etc. So yes, I am paranoid, when I should simply let it be and allow him to find his groove. My wonderful husband told me that he is actually exactly like his mommy! Yes, if I reflect, he is. I too tend to shut my mouth in public, keep opinions to myself (though I always have one), basically not strike when the iron is hot! Yet, when I am with people who are mine  I am so at ease, a chatterbug…. so it was so interesting that I didn’t see myself in my little one, even though we share the same sun sign. I think it will always take Hanu to bunch us together and decode us because he I knows me better than I know myself…. obviously!

So I retracted from my paranoia. And what have we…. our little fella came third in some contest (which I think they shouldn’t name as a contest in the first place) where he had to name birds. I know he knows all of them because he is either singing them the whole day or reciting something around animals… but I was most surprised that he actually stood in front of all and spoke what he does best! Now you would think I would be happy, that he has broken out of his shell and is at ease… Well now my paranoia shifts to me not taking this so seriously that I fall into a trap of being a competitive parent. So I am constantly telling myself that no, this is not good, I should let it be, its not a big deal. While another side of my head is telling me  woa my lil one’s first independent test and he did so well! Me a proud mamma.  

I am sure the saga in my brain will continue because it is in my DNA…. all the best my boys!

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It is time again…

to get onto the other side.

I just read a post from the Mad Momma written sometime in 2009 where she spoke about her son calling her and asking if he can have pasta for lunch. Needless to say it has struck a cord here in my heart. I am going back to work this coming Monday after 10 months of being at home. There is no mother as a part time or a full time mother, it only can be differentiated with the time one is able to spend with the little one. I have been blessed that I could spend the last so many months just dedicated to him. But all that while I was also getting ready in my head that I would get back to work… someday. That day is just around the corner and my heart is heavy as hell.

My darling Panu,

I sit beside a snap of ours taken when you were 3 months old. You on my lap, as usual bundled up, me smiling from ear to ear just basking in the glory of being “mommy”. I can’t begin to even explain the kind of joy, peace, love, and so many other emotions you evoke in me. I am a mother because of you, my heart. I learn so many new things from you each day – things which would have been so mundane is brought to life because you touch it or experience it. It is because of you that we are better people. It is because of you that we are focussed in life. You taught us how to live, my heart.

I will miss you every second of the time I am away from you…. but I will not be away from you, you know that. Yes, I will miss things you do or say during the day, but I will relive every moment that I am away from you, when I am with you. It is something you and me, both have to get used to it. Knowing you resiliance to change, it will be a little difficult for you, but we will help you all the way. I am so proud of you, Panu for everything that you are and will be.

Mummy is also scared to step back into a world she willingly gave up for you, for herself. I know it is going to be tough to juggle so many things and the paranoid person that I am, will not make things better. But always remember that I love you and part of me going back to work and pursuing my dreams is also linked to you. I need to get back to feel complete. Being your mummy is the single most important thing for me and if required I would do everything all over again, many times –  you must know that!

I will miss taking you to potty, being there when you come back from school with a big grin on your face, throwing a tantrum if you want something immediately (though I am sure you will do reruns for me only!), feeding you, putting you to sleep, being there when you wake up from your afternoon nap, taking you down to play… and just seeing the light bounce off your face every minute I am not physically with you. I will miss you terribly but speak to you often during the day and soon, we will both find a way of letting this time apart fly and cherish the time togther. I am sure I’ll be a little more fun mommy!

But baby, I sure am going to miss you.

I love you.

Your Mamma…

You were a month old!

 

You will always be my tomato

 

 

Blissfully together

 

My big boy

 

I will always be there.... somewhere right at the back of you.

 
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So I have been gardening…

and loving it on the way!

I think it is essentially linked to the kind of person I am. I am a nuturer and sometimes (well most of the times) leading to a worrier. I have been this for many many years, as long as I can remember. I love to nuture. To care. To put together and see evolve. To be able to call my own. Gardening has provided me with that.

We had a small set up way before Panu was born but now after him is when I feel more about the plants, caring for them, talking about them when a new set of flowers blossom or I see them shine against the magnificent sunshine early parts of the morning. Sometimes I stop myself and say “hey, whats up with me?” but then think why not. Why can’t I revel in small beauties like these, previosuly for which I probably didn’t have the patience of the time for.

And so here is my proud little garden with as many plants and pots I can fit in. Mixed and mingled plants together in trying to get the natural look and as Hanu saying succeeding quite a bit.