to get onto the other side.
I just read a post from the Mad Momma written sometime in 2009 where she spoke about her son calling her and asking if he can have pasta for lunch. Needless to say it has struck a cord here in my heart. I am going back to work this coming Monday after 10 months of being at home. There is no mother as a part time or a full time mother, it only can be differentiated with the time one is able to spend with the little one. I have been blessed that I could spend the last so many months just dedicated to him. But all that while I was also getting ready in my head that I would get back to work… someday. That day is just around the corner and my heart is heavy as hell.
My darling Panu,
I sit beside a snap of ours taken when you were 3 months old. You on my lap, as usual bundled up, me smiling from ear to ear just basking in the glory of being “mommy”. I can’t begin to even explain the kind of joy, peace, love, and so many other emotions you evoke in me. I am a mother because of you, my heart. I learn so many new things from you each day – things which would have been so mundane is brought to life because you touch it or experience it. It is because of you that we are better people. It is because of you that we are focussed in life. You taught us how to live, my heart.
I will miss you every second of the time I am away from you…. but I will not be away from you, you know that. Yes, I will miss things you do or say during the day, but I will relive every moment that I am away from you, when I am with you. It is something you and me, both have to get used to it. Knowing you resiliance to change, it will be a little difficult for you, but we will help you all the way. I am so proud of you, Panu for everything that you are and will be.
Mummy is also scared to step back into a world she willingly gave up for you, for herself. I know it is going to be tough to juggle so many things and the paranoid person that I am, will not make things better. But always remember that I love you and part of me going back to work and pursuing my dreams is also linked to you. I need to get back to feel complete. Being your mummy is the single most important thing for me and if required I would do everything all over again, many times – you must know that!
I will miss taking you to potty, being there when you come back from school with a big grin on your face, throwing a tantrum if you want something immediately (though I am sure you will do reruns for me only!), feeding you, putting you to sleep, being there when you wake up from your afternoon nap, taking you down to play… and just seeing the light bounce off your face every minute I am not physically with you. I will miss you terribly but speak to you often during the day and soon, we will both find a way of letting this time apart fly and cherish the time togther. I am sure I’ll be a little more fun mommy!
But baby, I sure am going to miss you.
I love you.
You were a month old!
You will always be my tomato
My big boy
I will always be there.... somewhere right at the back of you.