It’s been a while, a long long while and much has happened. Our world has changed, bettered, expanded and so much more. Ananya is in our lives for what feels like a long time. She entered and made us parents again. Made us better parents! It’s hard to describe how things have become so much more deeper and with so much more meaning with these little feet entering lives. Kabir has changed, he is a big, sometimes responsible brother, but brother nonetheless. I have a full house now, with noise that’s so sweet that sometimes oh, sometimes silences would be great. Our being feels together, with more purpose and clarity that I now understand what it is to let go….
Letting go……….yet feeling secure is how I can summarize the last 1.5 years or so. Its an awakening of sorts, sometimes rocky but most times easy. When I look back and think of how our lives have evolved, it simply makes me take a beautiful, contended breadth and just smile with a feeling of comfortably “being”.
And now, I have updates, many many updates that probably won’t be written down in this one session but they are all in head. They need this space to capture for my fading memory as I want to feel that sense of nostalgia with a smile again.
Panu’s 4th birthday and a significant welcome gathering
Our little baby – all set for the party
For our “Betu” on his special day with glimpses below of what turned out to a disaster of a cake, a lovely gathering, and us – as always!
with more to come 🙂
I find my self struggling to write nowadays! It is not as if things are not happening, or there are new things we experience and I should keep… it is all of this, yet, I am struggling… So I leave myself pictures and notes on them which I don’t want my fading memory to forget. Until words find me again…. There is a new craze in this house… or may I say, there are two new crazes – golf (which I don’t have a picture off) and grilling. I happened to gift Hanu a grill on our anniversary and trust me, nothing takes over our weekend than getting the fish/prawn/chicken ready and marinated, the fire burning with camphor, petrol, coal, paper, wood…(so we get the picture) and ready to grill. As I write this, my entire family has gone our on a rainy Sunday evening in search of coal. So you see, anything that is done is either done in totality or not at all… This one is in totality. But hey, who is complaining, I get the most awesome grills every weekend in the comfort of my own home. Now coming to Golf. Its Hanu alone. The man has passion for everything he does. Something I admire and lack in myself. So we have two golf sets at home, shoes to match, caps to match and many balls along with rungs that have almost become tatters in the house. Why? Because our man likes to practice. I am sure to write more about it in the future. Just to add the awww factor: Panu to his betu “Betu, you no place the golf course!” Translated to normal language “Papa, stop practicing at home with your golf stick” Happy 6th Anniversary to us! There is a reason why I have put this particular picture. Its us and only us! But when we are there he can’t be far away…. right! He is there somewhere in the background. Represented by his dahi chawal, which we obviously have done a lousy job to finish and given up after trying the nth time. Its a moment we take for ourselves, without being his parents, but being what ever we are for each other. It is needless to say, that it has been an amazing 11 years together. As time passes by and I look through old snaps, and the newer ones, I notice that this hasn’t changed. the glee in our eyes, the togetherness, the love, the warmth… it is still US, as it always will be. (With the little ones around!) My Ma! The one constant always… There are no words for her, except, I love the way she radiates in everything she does. The perfect harmony. Have a hap, hap, happy diwali! May good luck and cheer be yours all the year! The edited version customized by nanta for panu took a life of itself! It is a beautiful adaptation.
I guess words did find me… after all with a little help!
The Fabia has ultimately arrived and all that I can say is smooooooootttttttttttttthhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 😉
It was such a different way or feeling of picking up this car vs. Airy 5 years back. Different and nice because we had the little master with us going beserk with his favourite thing – CARS and that too in abundance. So while the father went about clearing paper work, the small wonder went about opening doors, to circling steering wheels, to charming the pants off all the sales folks at the showroom. He went on saying “Kiska car, nahi Fabia car hai” and we repeated “Panu ka, aur kiska” 🙂
It was a wonderful, nervous feeling… nervous because it’s a big step for us as a family and wonderful for obvious reasons… Driving it around the town for the first time, I think I was more nervous. But I am sure this too will soothe soon. We zipped it off for a long drive and I don’t think I have seen Hanu this happy ever in a car… he looked so at peace.
So here’s to many long drives, stories, experiences, feelings, adventures, road trips and nooks waiting for us to disover with the FABIA.
The pose never changes 🙂
I don’t think I have ever written about the kind of father I wanted for myself. Growing up was always difficult without a real dad. I say real because I didn’t have an emotional dad at all. Sure he was there to provide the money for our upbringing (that too giving a lot of trouble to my mom) and feel proud that his daughter was doing well at school, but to put things into perspective and actually feel the gravity of my feelings, I’ll only say that I don’t have a single caring, lovely memory of my dad while I was growing up. He was not there for me as a true parent should be. So this made me always wonder how I would feel to have a real dad. One who would dote on me, drool on everything I say, share my fears, anxiety, team up with against my mother, etc, etc… I knew I would not have it ever….
When Hanu and I were dating I remember he made a comment about a baby, he must have been 4 yrs old sitting at the back of a bike. He said “His dad should not let him sit at the back but in front of his”, I just smiled and said “You know you’ll make a wonderful father some day”. Little did I know he would be the father of our child. Now Hanu is probably the most caring individual I know. He will get up and get me glass of water if he thinks I am tired, even if he is ten times more tired than I am. He will after a hard days work press my feet and never demand or sometimes even ask for his feet to be pressed. I have to insist for doing that and then he lets me. He, simply, is the best human being I know or can aspire to be. He took care of me always…..and still does.
When Panu was concieved, I remember, Hanu would try to even outdo his earlier self. I was pampered and spoilt to the core. It of course, didn’t help that I had a difficult pregnancy. But what I am trying to say is that I somehow felt that he was the dad I never had. Now I don’t intend to sound peverse here, but he truely was and is someone who understands my deepest fears and anxiety, someone whom I can turn into a kid instantly and also someone whom I can team up with to go against my mother.
Hanu is the perfect papa to Panu. So much that it really shows in the way they interact with each other. Panu calls Hanu betu because that’s what he would hear him call him. So father and son call each other the same thing. Something on the same lines of what my mum and I call each other 🙂 It’s such a pleasure to watch them. He is caring beyond words. He is worrier when it comes to Panu, at times much more than me. I somehow am reliving my childhood through my sons with many things, but most of all of having a dad around who is a real papa.
He is just waiting for him to grow up enough so that they can do thier stuff together. I am sure that involves hoardes of sports, music, travelling, etc, etc…. it’s going to be a joy ride 🙂
When I was growing up I never imagined owing a car. I didn’t know how to cycle, so owing a bike for myself was also out of question, so basically I wasn’t ever imaging of owing a vehicle at all. Then Hanu walked into my life and opened up the world for me and still does. We comtemplated alot, whether to buy a car or look at buying a house ( rather saving for it). We decided that yes, we wanted a car and went for it. It was 2006 when we decided that we were in a position to take that step. We analysed and hanu over analysed all the cars in the market within our budget and we decided that it would a Maruti Zen Estillo – launched newly in the market with its curves/shapes defying how cars should be in that segment. So knowing us to take something which was uncommon, we went for it and bought the Zen home in Jan 2007. We was named him Airy much later on one of our road trips…. because it was just very Airy and after a doggie I knew from our trip to Masinagudi 🙂
I cannot begin to desribe the feeling we both went through. For the first time after getting together, we had invested in something so big, something, we knew would quench our thrist of getting on the raod and going anywhere………and we went. Airy took us all over South India and we also went all the way to Goa. More than anything it was the feeling of the “the first time” of anything. Our Airy gave us wings. For God’s sake I learnt how to drive in Airy, bought Panu home in it from the hospitals, went for countless no of drives….. I can go on and on. But the most important thing that Airy gave us was our space of our own. We were the two of us in it, no matter what. Even when we went out for drives with Panu, it was still a place where we could speak about anything or just be blissful in its silence. Airy was our car in the truest sense of it. It was very special so many things that I havent even written about…. Cars will come and cars will go but the feeling of Airy will always be there in our hearts. So as I told Airy today when they came to take thim – “take care, my little buddha where ever you go but remember you will always remain in our heart as our first car that gave us wings and a taste of the road… that feeling will go on forever!”
Goodbye and thank you — Our Airy.
It’s probably the biggest step we have taken with respect to Panu till now – he started pre school today! It’s the first time our lil boy was left in the company of strangers, fending for himself, being himself, doing his thing and us letting go…. sitting close enough, yet slowly but surely letting him go…well only a bit. It’s strange to let your lil boy out in the world (yes I am exagerating!) but that’s how it felt today – I felt he stepped out into the world of so many possibilities. Mummy thought that I would howl my heart out when leaving him at the school…. but actually I was the most composed. I know why this happened, because I had my lil talk with Panu the earlier day where I spoke to him about the vastness that lay ahead of him accompanied by the amazingness! I had let go in that moment when he stuck to my chest and just heard me as if he understood everything I said. Hanu on that hand, as I always knew would be the parent who cried at every milestone and quite profusely 🙂 It’s of course heart warming for me to see the love these two boys share amongst themselves. I have already told Hanu, that he is going to be the parent howling at all important milestones, while his mummy does the letting go in a slightly different way but feeling exactly the same thing.
You are the bravest boy ever. You were the most amazing lil fellow who just took to the school as if it was your playground for so long. Your quality of just migling with everything around you as long as you get to do your masti is amazing. Without any inhibitions. This is a quality no doubt inherited from your wonderful dad. He and I were so proud of you today, it can’t really be expressed. I spoke to you and I am sure papa also did about how this is the first step towards being independent, being yourself, making friends, knowing that a world exists outside of mamma and papa and the place that you call home. Its a step into the world and my darling, you took that step so wonderfully. We all had our way of letting you go and that’s what we did, we let go of you a little bit today. Trust me its the hardest and the most proud thing we have done so far. We will always be there to protect you and take care of you as that comes naturaly to your mad parents, but we also know that you need to experience so much more which we really can’t wait to happen. This journey is amazing for us as is for you. Thank you for giving this to us!
BTW, you looked amazingly handsome today. Love you
Mamma and Papa