0

In awe… I will remain

When I didn’t have babies (actual a baby!) I wasn’t a very child friendly person! Sure, I liked to look at them and saw “aww, so cute!”, but I didn’t know what else to say or how else to carry on a conversation with a tiny one.  I would keep telling myself, how in the world would I ever carry out a conversation when I have a tiny one. Little did I know the hormone changes would change this fundamental thing also… I can talk nineteen to a dozen now, challenge children without offending them, laugh with them, play with them and so much more. I think children have an amazing way of opening your heart and mind. Mine feels so open after Panu.

I have always been some one who is cautious, careful about making the first move even in a conversation. But when this little puttu has arrived, I find myself just talking to anyone. I think it is wonderful.

In awe I will remain towards how much he has changed our lives for the better, it is because of him that I stop and smell the roses, find each and everything beautiful. A simple pleasure like just rolling on the floor or making bubbles has taken on another dimension. Children are the gateway to heaven…. only on earth.

It’s really late at night, I have a smile on my face and I am pretty sure this post is not structured or maybe just will look peiced together! But I just felt like putting down how grateful I am that Panu is in our lives. He has taught us to go back to the things that matter the most and enjoy it, inhale it and simply make it a part of everything. I love these experiences because I end up learning/changing things about myself for the better….

My darling Panu, you are the light and will always remain. I have to write in a separate post of the wonderful things you say, do, sing (!), play and just be. It is like watching the sun rise everyday… different and beautiful and awe aspiring. I cannot thank you enough, my child, my extension but still your every own person…

I hope I have made sense…. I love you forever.

Your besotted Mamma

0

It is time again…

to get onto the other side.

I just read a post from the Mad Momma written sometime in 2009 where she spoke about her son calling her and asking if he can have pasta for lunch. Needless to say it has struck a cord here in my heart. I am going back to work this coming Monday after 10 months of being at home. There is no mother as a part time or a full time mother, it only can be differentiated with the time one is able to spend with the little one. I have been blessed that I could spend the last so many months just dedicated to him. But all that while I was also getting ready in my head that I would get back to work… someday. That day is just around the corner and my heart is heavy as hell.

My darling Panu,

I sit beside a snap of ours taken when you were 3 months old. You on my lap, as usual bundled up, me smiling from ear to ear just basking in the glory of being “mommy”. I can’t begin to even explain the kind of joy, peace, love, and so many other emotions you evoke in me. I am a mother because of you, my heart. I learn so many new things from you each day – things which would have been so mundane is brought to life because you touch it or experience it. It is because of you that we are better people. It is because of you that we are focussed in life. You taught us how to live, my heart.

I will miss you every second of the time I am away from you…. but I will not be away from you, you know that. Yes, I will miss things you do or say during the day, but I will relive every moment that I am away from you, when I am with you. It is something you and me, both have to get used to it. Knowing you resiliance to change, it will be a little difficult for you, but we will help you all the way. I am so proud of you, Panu for everything that you are and will be.

Mummy is also scared to step back into a world she willingly gave up for you, for herself. I know it is going to be tough to juggle so many things and the paranoid person that I am, will not make things better. But always remember that I love you and part of me going back to work and pursuing my dreams is also linked to you. I need to get back to feel complete. Being your mummy is the single most important thing for me and if required I would do everything all over again, many times –  you must know that!

I will miss taking you to potty, being there when you come back from school with a big grin on your face, throwing a tantrum if you want something immediately (though I am sure you will do reruns for me only!), feeding you, putting you to sleep, being there when you wake up from your afternoon nap, taking you down to play… and just seeing the light bounce off your face every minute I am not physically with you. I will miss you terribly but speak to you often during the day and soon, we will both find a way of letting this time apart fly and cherish the time togther. I am sure I’ll be a little more fun mommy!

But baby, I sure am going to miss you.

I love you.

Your Mamma…

You were a month old!

 

You will always be my tomato

 

 

Blissfully together

 

My big boy

 

I will always be there.... somewhere right at the back of you.

 
0

Letting go…

It’s probably the biggest step we have taken with respect to Panu till now – he started pre school today! It’s the first time our lil boy was left in the company of strangers, fending for himself, being himself, doing his thing and us letting go…. sitting close enough, yet slowly but surely letting him go…well only a bit. It’s strange to let your lil boy out in the world (yes I am exagerating!)  but that’s how it felt today – I felt he stepped out into the world of so many possibilities. Mummy thought that I would howl my heart out when leaving him at the school…. but actually I was the most composed. I know why this happened, because I had my lil talk with Panu the earlier day where I spoke to him about the vastness that lay ahead of him accompanied by the amazingness! I had let go in that moment when he stuck to my chest and just heard me as if  he understood everything I said. Hanu on that hand, as I always knew would be the parent who cried at every milestone and quite profusely 🙂 It’s of course heart warming for me to see the love these two boys share amongst themselves. I have already told Hanu, that he is going to be the parent howling at all important milestones, while his mummy does the letting go in a slightly different way but feeling exactly the same thing.

My Panu,

You are the bravest boy ever. You were the most amazing lil fellow who just took to the school as if it was your playground for so long. Your quality of just migling with everything around you as long as you get to do your masti is amazing. Without any inhibitions. This is a quality no doubt inherited from your wonderful dad. He and I were so proud of you today, it can’t really be expressed. I spoke to you and I am sure papa also did about how this is the first step towards being independent, being yourself, making friends, knowing that a world exists outside of mamma and papa and the place that you call home. Its a step into the world  and my darling, you took that step so wonderfully. We all had our way of letting you go and that’s what we did, we let go of you  a little bit today. Trust me its the hardest and the most proud thing we have done so far. We will always be there to protect you and take care of you as that comes naturaly to your mad parents, but we also know that you need to experience so much more which we really can’t wait to happen. This journey is amazing for us as is for you. Thank you for giving this to us!

BTW, you looked amazingly handsome today. Love you

Mamma and Papa

0

Sounds that surround us – thanks to my Puttu

Panu is at an age where he reinforces his choices and then makes us follow them quite a few times! It helps that his music sense is amazing! He is sitting next to me right now and giving me kissis…

So, my hero, this post is dedicated to all your favourite songs which are fab by all standards!

He has been introduced to Mohit and this is by far his favourite since 3 days! Its top of mind and a must to start with..

and another one….

Panu says the word “hum” alot  – so he repeats it whenever its sung in the above and below nos.

Thanks KK for the wonderful songs, you have a huge fan here…

I dont know how, but we chanced upon this number and its an absolute favourite of his.

And of course some cartoon/nursery rhymes! (thank GOD)

Panu, you would do the most amazing ballet along with these girls… beat them anytime and I think this man taught you to dangle your legs when we sit on the stairs 🙂

I hope these and many more wonderful sounds surround us as you grow to be the handsome, intelligent and a man (!) with wonderful taste in music.

Love you and am always amazed by your brilliance,

Mama

1

Mamma’s lil handy man

I kept asking when will my lil boy become mamma’s lil handy man and get things & do things for her…. 🙂 The time might have arrived! Baby steps that is….

I asked my handsome to get me my mobile, just taking a chance and what have we here – a obidient son who goes to the mobile, picks it up and promptly brings it to his very very proud mommy! My lil fella is taking baby steps (oh my god, isn’t he himself a baby!) towards becoming mummy’s lil handy man.

Also, we have a deal my puttu – anytime I ask for a blop kissi I am get it promptly. This is our lil deal which to my surprise is turning out to be very effective. For all the blop kissis  you give me, my heart just melts in that moment and I feel so grateful to you for having chosen me as your mamma and giving me blop kissis! Keep going my darling and keep giving us lil pieces of heaven every day, all day.

Of course thanks, my lil handy man!

Love you,

Mamma.