Until words find me again…

I find my self struggling to write nowadays! It is not as if things are not happening, or there are new things we experience and I should keep… it is all of this, yet, I am struggling… So I leave myself pictures and notes on them which I don’t want my fading memory to forget. Until words find me again…. There is a new craze in this house… or may I say, there are two new crazes – golf (which I don’t have a picture off) and grilling.  I happened to gift Hanu a grill on our anniversary and trust me, nothing takes over our weekend than getting the fish/prawn/chicken ready and marinated, the fire burning with camphor, petrol, coal, paper, wood…(so we get the picture) and ready to grill. As I write this, my entire family has gone our on a rainy Sunday evening in search of coal. So you see, anything that is done is either done in totality or not at all… This one is in totality. But hey, who is complaining, I get the most awesome grills every weekend in the comfort of my own home.  Now coming to Golf. Its Hanu alone. The man has passion for everything he does. Something I admire and lack in myself. So we have two golf sets at home, shoes to match, caps to match and many balls along with rungs that have almost become tatters in the house. Why? Because our man likes to practice. I am sure to write more about it in the future. Just to add the awww factor: Panu to his betu “Betu, you no place the golf course!” Translated to normal language “Papa, stop practicing at home with your golf stick” Happy 6th Anniversary to us! There is a reason why I have put this particular picture. Its us and only us! But when we are there he can’t be far away…. right! He is there somewhere in the background. Represented by his dahi chawal, which we obviously have done a lousy job to finish and given up after trying the nth time. Its a moment we take for ourselves, without being his parents, but being what ever we are for each other. It is needless to say, that it has been an amazing 11 years together. As time passes by and I look through old snaps, and the newer ones, I notice that this hasn’t changed. the glee in our eyes, the togetherness, the love, the warmth… it is still US, as it always will be. (With the little ones around!) My Ma! The one constant always… There are no words for her, except, I love the way she radiates in everything she does.  The perfect harmony.  Have a hap, hap, happy diwali! May good luck and cheer be yours all the year!  The edited version customized by nanta for panu took a life of itself! It is a beautiful adaptation. 

I guess words did find me… after all with a little help!











Pictures say a thousand words…

I’ve been meaning to write  about this trip for a long time and haven’t really. It was an experience that I feel cannot really be translated but only felt… here it is!

One more reason that reinforces our choice that the best possible way to travel is always by road (even with what happened after this!)… when else will you look out of the window not knowing what to expect! And there it is…. sunflowers everywhere… looking for the sun to rise again. This was the first time we saw so many of them.. a good beginning for my small sweetheart!

Where else in the world would we find a motorcycle taxi stand! Now that’s why we want to retire in Goa! Need we give any more reasons…

It is blessings in these forms that are so missed!  My panu’s nanis… and our mommies.

The most lovely boy in the whole wide world. I wish my panu becomes my hanu. BTW, we loved the bhutta and the drive.

Yeh galiya…. want to go back. Magical Goa!

All that I need… my boys and the beach! Yes, I have converted to a beach person…

What fun! And of course he is the centre of every bit of it.

This is the first photograph that has my Panu look straight into the camera and gave a big big smile! Wah!

It is the same feeling… 🙂

The craziness skipped a generation 🙂 The mad nanta and her pakpak!

Pals for 30+ years!

Titos at Baga Beach. Baga beach was by far Panu’s favourite. It actually enticed us enough to extend an extra day.. Worth it!

(Missing my pose here with the perpetual spoon)

We want him to be always like this… carefree! While mamma and papa are somewhere in the background overseeing everything to make this feeling possible.

Until next time Goa…



In awe… I will remain

When I didn’t have babies (actual a baby!) I wasn’t a very child friendly person! Sure, I liked to look at them and saw “aww, so cute!”, but I didn’t know what else to say or how else to carry on a conversation with a tiny one.  I would keep telling myself, how in the world would I ever carry out a conversation when I have a tiny one. Little did I know the hormone changes would change this fundamental thing also… I can talk nineteen to a dozen now, challenge children without offending them, laugh with them, play with them and so much more. I think children have an amazing way of opening your heart and mind. Mine feels so open after Panu.

I have always been some one who is cautious, careful about making the first move even in a conversation. But when this little puttu has arrived, I find myself just talking to anyone. I think it is wonderful.

In awe I will remain towards how much he has changed our lives for the better, it is because of him that I stop and smell the roses, find each and everything beautiful. A simple pleasure like just rolling on the floor or making bubbles has taken on another dimension. Children are the gateway to heaven…. only on earth.

It’s really late at night, I have a smile on my face and I am pretty sure this post is not structured or maybe just will look peiced together! But I just felt like putting down how grateful I am that Panu is in our lives. He has taught us to go back to the things that matter the most and enjoy it, inhale it and simply make it a part of everything. I love these experiences because I end up learning/changing things about myself for the better….

My darling Panu, you are the light and will always remain. I have to write in a separate post of the wonderful things you say, do, sing (!), play and just be. It is like watching the sun rise everyday… different and beautiful and awe aspiring. I cannot thank you enough, my child, my extension but still your every own person…

I hope I have made sense…. I love you forever.

Your besotted Mamma


The best things in life are…

  • The smile on my little boy’s face when I return home from work
  • The smile on his face when his betu comes home
  • Nights when he is in my arms fast asleep, yet moves a bit and says “mamma”
  • The smell of my baby’s breath and the warmth he exudes
  • Drives full of silences and smiles
  • The smell of rain – before and after!
  • Rain itself!
  • Burberry on hanu :):) (right from the days we couldn’t really afford a bottle!)
  • Chicken Stew and prawn curry!
  • Cuddle and family kissi time … yeah!
  • Driving…. home
  • Music on phone – that’s god sent!
  • A good fitting pair of jeans when you finally find one
  • Silver earrings
  • Hanu’s prawn curry…….yum!
  • Ma’s tomato egg and chicken bhunny
  • Fridays and Saturdays!
  • Old photos and memories
  • Jhonson’s baby products —- all of them!
  • A drink of water
  • Old friends chatting up after a long time
  • Flowers
  • Holding hands….. always
Life’s good…

My monkeys


It is time again…

to get onto the other side.

I just read a post from the Mad Momma written sometime in 2009 where she spoke about her son calling her and asking if he can have pasta for lunch. Needless to say it has struck a cord here in my heart. I am going back to work this coming Monday after 10 months of being at home. There is no mother as a part time or a full time mother, it only can be differentiated with the time one is able to spend with the little one. I have been blessed that I could spend the last so many months just dedicated to him. But all that while I was also getting ready in my head that I would get back to work… someday. That day is just around the corner and my heart is heavy as hell.

My darling Panu,

I sit beside a snap of ours taken when you were 3 months old. You on my lap, as usual bundled up, me smiling from ear to ear just basking in the glory of being “mommy”. I can’t begin to even explain the kind of joy, peace, love, and so many other emotions you evoke in me. I am a mother because of you, my heart. I learn so many new things from you each day – things which would have been so mundane is brought to life because you touch it or experience it. It is because of you that we are better people. It is because of you that we are focussed in life. You taught us how to live, my heart.

I will miss you every second of the time I am away from you…. but I will not be away from you, you know that. Yes, I will miss things you do or say during the day, but I will relive every moment that I am away from you, when I am with you. It is something you and me, both have to get used to it. Knowing you resiliance to change, it will be a little difficult for you, but we will help you all the way. I am so proud of you, Panu for everything that you are and will be.

Mummy is also scared to step back into a world she willingly gave up for you, for herself. I know it is going to be tough to juggle so many things and the paranoid person that I am, will not make things better. But always remember that I love you and part of me going back to work and pursuing my dreams is also linked to you. I need to get back to feel complete. Being your mummy is the single most important thing for me and if required I would do everything all over again, many times –  you must know that!

I will miss taking you to potty, being there when you come back from school with a big grin on your face, throwing a tantrum if you want something immediately (though I am sure you will do reruns for me only!), feeding you, putting you to sleep, being there when you wake up from your afternoon nap, taking you down to play… and just seeing the light bounce off your face every minute I am not physically with you. I will miss you terribly but speak to you often during the day and soon, we will both find a way of letting this time apart fly and cherish the time togther. I am sure I’ll be a little more fun mommy!

But baby, I sure am going to miss you.

I love you.

Your Mamma…

You were a month old!


You will always be my tomato



Blissfully together


My big boy


I will always be there.... somewhere right at the back of you.


Papa and his betu

I don’t think I have ever written about the kind of father I wanted for myself. Growing up was always difficult without a real dad. I say real because I didn’t have an emotional dad at all. Sure he was there to provide the money for our upbringing (that too giving a lot of trouble to my mom) and feel proud that his daughter was doing well at school, but to put things into perspective and actually feel the gravity of my feelings, I’ll only say that I don’t have a single caring, lovely memory of my dad while I was growing up. He was not there for me as a true parent should be. So this made me always wonder how I would feel to have a  real  dad. One who would dote on me, drool on everything I say, share my fears, anxiety, team up with against my mother, etc, etc… I knew I would not have it ever….

When Hanu and I were dating I remember he made a comment about a baby, he must have been 4 yrs old sitting at the back of a bike. He said  “His dad should not let him sit at the back but in front of his”, I just smiled and said “You know you’ll make a wonderful father some day”. Little did I know he would be the father of our child. Now Hanu is probably the most caring individual I know. He will get up and get me glass of water if he thinks I am tired, even if he is ten times more tired than I am.  He will after a hard days work press my feet and never demand or sometimes even ask for his feet to be pressed. I have to insist for doing that and then he lets me. He, simply, is the best human being I know or can aspire to be. He took care of me always…..and still does.

When Panu was concieved, I remember, Hanu would try to even outdo his earlier self. I was pampered and spoilt to the core. It of course, didn’t help that I had a difficult pregnancy. But what I am trying to say is that I somehow felt that he was the dad I never had. Now I don’t intend to sound peverse here, but he truely was and is someone who understands my deepest fears and anxiety, someone whom I can turn into a kid instantly and also someone whom I can team up with to go against my mother.

Hanu is the perfect papa to Panu. So much that it really shows in the way they interact with each other. Panu calls Hanu betu because that’s what he would hear him call him. So father and son call each other the same thing. Something on the same lines of what my mum and I call each other 🙂 It’s such a pleasure to watch them. He is caring beyond words. He is worrier when it comes to Panu, at times much more than me. I somehow am reliving my childhood through my sons with many things, but most of all of having a dad around who is a real papa.

He is just waiting for him to grow up enough so that they can do thier stuff together. I am sure that involves hoardes of sports, music, travelling, etc, etc…. it’s going to be a joy ride 🙂


So I have been gardening…

and loving it on the way!

I think it is essentially linked to the kind of person I am. I am a nuturer and sometimes (well most of the times) leading to a worrier. I have been this for many many years, as long as I can remember. I love to nuture. To care. To put together and see evolve. To be able to call my own. Gardening has provided me with that.

We had a small set up way before Panu was born but now after him is when I feel more about the plants, caring for them, talking about them when a new set of flowers blossom or I see them shine against the magnificent sunshine early parts of the morning. Sometimes I stop myself and say “hey, whats up with me?” but then think why not. Why can’t I revel in small beauties like these, previosuly for which I probably didn’t have the patience of the time for.

And so here is my proud little garden with as many plants and pots I can fit in. Mixed and mingled plants together in trying to get the natural look and as Hanu saying succeeding quite a bit.