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It is time again…

to get onto the other side.

I just read a post from the Mad Momma written sometime in 2009 where she spoke about her son calling her and asking if he can have pasta for lunch. Needless to say it has struck a cord here in my heart. I am going back to work this coming Monday after 10 months of being at home. There is no mother as a part time or a full time mother, it only can be differentiated with the time one is able to spend with the little one. I have been blessed that I could spend the last so many months just dedicated to him. But all that while I was also getting ready in my head that I would get back to work… someday. That day is just around the corner and my heart is heavy as hell.

My darling Panu,

I sit beside a snap of ours taken when you were 3 months old. You on my lap, as usual bundled up, me smiling from ear to ear just basking in the glory of being “mommy”. I can’t begin to even explain the kind of joy, peace, love, and so many other emotions you evoke in me. I am a mother because of you, my heart. I learn so many new things from you each day – things which would have been so mundane is brought to life because you touch it or experience it. It is because of you that we are better people. It is because of you that we are focussed in life. You taught us how to live, my heart.

I will miss you every second of the time I am away from you…. but I will not be away from you, you know that. Yes, I will miss things you do or say during the day, but I will relive every moment that I am away from you, when I am with you. It is something you and me, both have to get used to it. Knowing you resiliance to change, it will be a little difficult for you, but we will help you all the way. I am so proud of you, Panu for everything that you are and will be.

Mummy is also scared to step back into a world she willingly gave up for you, for herself. I know it is going to be tough to juggle so many things and the paranoid person that I am, will not make things better. But always remember that I love you and part of me going back to work and pursuing my dreams is also linked to you. I need to get back to feel complete. Being your mummy is the single most important thing for me and if required I would do everything all over again, many times –  you must know that!

I will miss taking you to potty, being there when you come back from school with a big grin on your face, throwing a tantrum if you want something immediately (though I am sure you will do reruns for me only!), feeding you, putting you to sleep, being there when you wake up from your afternoon nap, taking you down to play… and just seeing the light bounce off your face every minute I am not physically with you. I will miss you terribly but speak to you often during the day and soon, we will both find a way of letting this time apart fly and cherish the time togther. I am sure I’ll be a little more fun mommy!

But baby, I sure am going to miss you.

I love you.

Your Mamma…

You were a month old!

 

You will always be my tomato

 

 

Blissfully together

 

My big boy

 

I will always be there.... somewhere right at the back of you.

 
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From me to you…

How is it that someone who has been with you, forever, but you still have renewed respect for each time? How is it that some one can teach you so much and keep teaching? Is there a end? Is there anyone else like Mummy….actually, my Mummy?

The answers to these questions, I will not answer, because it simply cannot be framed in sentences, at least ones that I can come up with. But one that I  can most defintely answer, is that no one is like my Mummy. If I can become even half the mother to panu, as my Mummy is to me, then I would have achieved ALL.

Ma, is someone who has been probably the one constant influence in all of my life and I wish for it to always be like this. There are no qualms about this, that I am a totally my mum’s daughter. I was always close to her – She was the first one to know about hanu, was there to stand up against all when we got married, was silently protecting my childhood, was there at every parent teachers meeting, school play/sports day…. was always always THERE! I was also always appreciative of her, I was and am her biggest supported, I know that…. But when panu came, and I became a mother, I had renewed respect for her. Not because now I knew what it took…. but because she was with me throughout. Come what may, my mum would always come to my rescue… and still does.

I did’nt know a stitch but she held my hand all the way and made me confident in what ever little I know right now. Sure.. we may have our differences sometimes, but she still remains my biggest supporter. I am writing this because it’s going to be very tough this time when she is gone. I know she has her own life and things she is dealing with… but all said and done, with all the fights 🙂 we love it when mummy is around. There is a special sense of security – it’s mummyness 🙂

Hanu & panu is going to miss her alot, but fret not, we have created such a world here that she will be back soon but not soon enough 😦

We love you ma. You know that & I know that and we have expressed gratitude towards everything you have done, will do and carry on doing. I am the woman I am because of you. You are my role model because I know what it took for you to bring us up…. Your efforts have never ever gone unnoticed.

We love you Ma.

PS: In return, you know what we want. Just one thing 🙂 Make us proud…

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He knows … it’s me.

Right during my preganancy, I would more fear what kind of a mama I would be. Will I be able to unconditionally love my child? Will I be able to manage the physical aspects of carrying a baby and giving birth? Will I be able to do all to make my baby comfortable… but most of all I would question or fear – Will my baby know that I am his/her mama? To mummy and Hanu, the last one would be a no brainer and they would just say… of course, you are the mummy! But for someone who hasn’t been one before this one was the biggest question left to be answered…

I’ll have to admit that only when Panu came into my arms did I fully understand what had happened, that he had ultimately arrived. Until then, I was busy managing work, a difficult pregnancy, and generally our life. Only when he came did I begin to comprehend what had happened. Our little bundle had arrived and I was faced with all those difficult questions – some for which answers came easy and for some which I still have questions around and probably might never fully be able to answer them. But one question I am so sure about i.e. will my baby know that I am his mummy? He knows…….. and it’s in the most special things he does from me and only me from the time he’s been in my tummy to know, where he let’s me know that for now I am the most special person and the centre of his world…

  • When I was pregnant with him and in my umpteenth meeting, he would get all excited and move around almost ‘frantically’ in reaction to sounds. The only thing that would calm him and in turn me was me keeping my hand on my tummy and periodically pat him
  • I would be the only one who could pacify him when in pain after a vaccination or the after effects of it (How I hate those!)
  • He would sleep on my chest and no one else’s. How I miss those days… [for a brief time though and then Hanu got the honours which was the cutest ever]
  • It’s only my ‘dant’ which has him show his lower lip and cry was if there is no tomorrow and then it’s only me who can pacify him.
  • Its only me for now who can give him a hair cut (with alot of help from Youtube and Hanu)
  • Noadays its only me who can put him to sleep after much singing and kajoling for the night (I so wish someone else gets this priviledge as well. Maybe not, given I am bound to get jealous!)
  • And today, when after 1 year or so, he again fell slept on my chest the same way he would when he was 6 months old.

Us.. then

In my arms..

I got the honours first...

And then he got the honours too 🙂

his first pic after his first haircut by us

…………….I know he know’s that I’m his mama 🙂 It comes out so clearly in these small wonderful moments. With each passing day there is a special way where my boy keeps reassuring me that that one most important question is answered and I don’t really need to worry about it in any which way. Thank you, my Panu… love you.