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Am I paranoid!

Of course I am and I will tell myself why! My little genius’ teacher some days back told me that he does’t really mingle too much. Now that is a contrast to the constant hugging, saying “hi”, giving hi 5 to any and everyone. So I came home, discussed this to death, thought what am I doing wrong…. etc. So yes, I am paranoid, when I should simply let it be and allow him to find his groove. My wonderful husband told me that he is actually exactly like his mommy! Yes, if I reflect, he is. I too tend to shut my mouth in public, keep opinions to myself (though I always have one), basically not strike when the iron is hot! Yet, when I am with people who are mine  I am so at ease, a chatterbug…. so it was so interesting that I didn’t see myself in my little one, even though we share the same sun sign. I think it will always take Hanu to bunch us together and decode us because he I knows me better than I know myself…. obviously!

So I retracted from my paranoia. And what have we…. our little fella came third in some contest (which I think they shouldn’t name as a contest in the first place) where he had to name birds. I know he knows all of them because he is either singing them the whole day or reciting something around animals… but I was most surprised that he actually stood in front of all and spoke what he does best! Now you would think I would be happy, that he has broken out of his shell and is at ease… Well now my paranoia shifts to me not taking this so seriously that I fall into a trap of being a competitive parent. So I am constantly telling myself that no, this is not good, I should let it be, its not a big deal. While another side of my head is telling me  woa my lil one’s first independent test and he did so well! Me a proud mamma.  

I am sure the saga in my brain will continue because it is in my DNA…. all the best my boys!

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Papa and his betu

I don’t think I have ever written about the kind of father I wanted for myself. Growing up was always difficult without a real dad. I say real because I didn’t have an emotional dad at all. Sure he was there to provide the money for our upbringing (that too giving a lot of trouble to my mom) and feel proud that his daughter was doing well at school, but to put things into perspective and actually feel the gravity of my feelings, I’ll only say that I don’t have a single caring, lovely memory of my dad while I was growing up. He was not there for me as a true parent should be. So this made me always wonder how I would feel to have a  real  dad. One who would dote on me, drool on everything I say, share my fears, anxiety, team up with against my mother, etc, etc… I knew I would not have it ever….

When Hanu and I were dating I remember he made a comment about a baby, he must have been 4 yrs old sitting at the back of a bike. He said  “His dad should not let him sit at the back but in front of his”, I just smiled and said “You know you’ll make a wonderful father some day”. Little did I know he would be the father of our child. Now Hanu is probably the most caring individual I know. He will get up and get me glass of water if he thinks I am tired, even if he is ten times more tired than I am.  He will after a hard days work press my feet and never demand or sometimes even ask for his feet to be pressed. I have to insist for doing that and then he lets me. He, simply, is the best human being I know or can aspire to be. He took care of me always…..and still does.

When Panu was concieved, I remember, Hanu would try to even outdo his earlier self. I was pampered and spoilt to the core. It of course, didn’t help that I had a difficult pregnancy. But what I am trying to say is that I somehow felt that he was the dad I never had. Now I don’t intend to sound peverse here, but he truely was and is someone who understands my deepest fears and anxiety, someone whom I can turn into a kid instantly and also someone whom I can team up with to go against my mother.

Hanu is the perfect papa to Panu. So much that it really shows in the way they interact with each other. Panu calls Hanu betu because that’s what he would hear him call him. So father and son call each other the same thing. Something on the same lines of what my mum and I call each other 🙂 It’s such a pleasure to watch them. He is caring beyond words. He is worrier when it comes to Panu, at times much more than me. I somehow am reliving my childhood through my sons with many things, but most of all of having a dad around who is a real papa.

He is just waiting for him to grow up enough so that they can do thier stuff together. I am sure that involves hoardes of sports, music, travelling, etc, etc…. it’s going to be a joy ride 🙂

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Letting go…

It’s probably the biggest step we have taken with respect to Panu till now – he started pre school today! It’s the first time our lil boy was left in the company of strangers, fending for himself, being himself, doing his thing and us letting go…. sitting close enough, yet slowly but surely letting him go…well only a bit. It’s strange to let your lil boy out in the world (yes I am exagerating!)  but that’s how it felt today – I felt he stepped out into the world of so many possibilities. Mummy thought that I would howl my heart out when leaving him at the school…. but actually I was the most composed. I know why this happened, because I had my lil talk with Panu the earlier day where I spoke to him about the vastness that lay ahead of him accompanied by the amazingness! I had let go in that moment when he stuck to my chest and just heard me as if  he understood everything I said. Hanu on that hand, as I always knew would be the parent who cried at every milestone and quite profusely 🙂 It’s of course heart warming for me to see the love these two boys share amongst themselves. I have already told Hanu, that he is going to be the parent howling at all important milestones, while his mummy does the letting go in a slightly different way but feeling exactly the same thing.

My Panu,

You are the bravest boy ever. You were the most amazing lil fellow who just took to the school as if it was your playground for so long. Your quality of just migling with everything around you as long as you get to do your masti is amazing. Without any inhibitions. This is a quality no doubt inherited from your wonderful dad. He and I were so proud of you today, it can’t really be expressed. I spoke to you and I am sure papa also did about how this is the first step towards being independent, being yourself, making friends, knowing that a world exists outside of mamma and papa and the place that you call home. Its a step into the world  and my darling, you took that step so wonderfully. We all had our way of letting you go and that’s what we did, we let go of you  a little bit today. Trust me its the hardest and the most proud thing we have done so far. We will always be there to protect you and take care of you as that comes naturaly to your mad parents, but we also know that you need to experience so much more which we really can’t wait to happen. This journey is amazing for us as is for you. Thank you for giving this to us!

BTW, you looked amazingly handsome today. Love you

Mamma and Papa

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State of mind and more…

I’m confused…. happy, unhappy, mixed, anxious, impatient, trying to be patient…. the list probably goes on…. I am supposed to unwind, take it easy, feel and go with the flow! But am unable to do this… it feels almost as if I am sitting on a fence and looking at myself do and feel the way I am. Things are still not how they are supposed  to be!  So let’s ditch the thought that I am having for now and let me concentrate on what’s going good… What else, but my little fella and all the amazing things he does to pacify his over hyped, over thinking mother.

 We made our 2nd road trip with the prince sometime this month to Pondy – its a 6 hour drive from home. So bags were over packed (!), an electric cooker was bought to prepare his food at the resort… basically we were doing everything we did for the Mahabalipuram trip. It’s obvious that both hanu, nani and I were stuck in a time rut. Our fellow decided to surprise us by eating every meal – yes, every meal cooked by the chef themselves! So it was soup and bread, curd rice (thank GOD he likes curd), chikhdi, uppamma, and almost everything else that was a little bland. This much to our utmost delight and of course hanu kept saying that he has gone on me – bahar ka khana! Yeah…my baby! 

  
Dont miss the potty seat! 🙂

 

Sleeping peacefully like a doll with Adla

 It was a wonderful much-needed break – he still hasn’t warmed up to the sea as much as we would like but at least this time he did allow us to wet his feet in the water and didn’t cry his heart out! As long as he was in mamma or papa’s arms in the water, he was okay to go.  The city also was an amazing experience. This is the first place hanu and I have gone back to after having a baby – Yes it was different, but a different fun all together! We kept reminiscing about our last trip.  

 

 

 It was a very special trip. Hanu drove like a pro, panu was on his best behaviour, ma enjoyed her stay and tandoories and Simple relaxed with her baba! And me… it was a super time and I can’t wait for the next one. At least I have the flexibility now 🙂

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When your heart walks outside of you…

When panu was inside me, we would get very excited to visit the doctor… one simple reason would be to hear ‘his’ heartbeat! It was an experience which cannot be replicated by anything else. I always had either hanu or mummy and at most times, both accompany me to the doctor. We would wait and then it was time to “hear the baby’s heartbeat”! What a wonderful feeling that was…. It was a time when I could protect my little one inside me and do all that was possible to ensure that he was not touched by anything…

Then he came and my heart was not inside me anymore!  He is walking, talking, laughing, crawling, running….. doing everything! But sometimes I so wish he can crawl back inside me where I can again protect him and not let anything touch him again…..!!!

My panu is not well from a couple of days. It has been terrible for hanu and me, but especially for panu. He has clung to me … stating in unsaid words “mama, do something, relieve me of this pain I am going through”… and I have just been able to hold him close to me and maybe in unsaid words told him “we are….. and all things will be fine soon”. I so wish I had control over how soon.. but no soon will be soon enough for my baby.

Hanu and me are growing up, we are learning to handle situations, continuing being a team, parenting, being each others support, crying when the other one is not looking… being strong for his sake and each other. We are doing well and thank god, we are how we are else I wouldn’t have been able to be half the parent I am.

I know there will be a million times in our lives as parents, when we would wish to just take away his pain, comfort him and make all things well so that our panu is the cheerful, superactive baby he so lovingly is… There will be a million times when our hearts will ache and pain to make things better and there will be a million or zillion times when I would want him to go back into my tummy so that I know that I am the one responsible, the one in control ….. to ensure that nothing happens to my little heart.

It’s a crazy mixed bag this parenting thing! But I am guessing that this is something we just have to go through and experience. We are parents afterall and signed up for this and so much more ….. ..well good stuff also, along with the some uncomfortable! 🙂

Get well soon our heart…….mama and papa